Just me
So I'm ME, I'm going to make myself HAPPY, I'm going to make my RECOVERY and my sobriety a priority. It has been a HELL of a year for me, shit three years really. I've FUCKED up alot. I've embarrassed myself. Lost trust. I've pushed people away, lost my son, disappointed my family, caught a half a dozen charges, lost every job, went to jail, almost got sold into sex trafficking, went back to jail, completed rehab. Which was 44 1/2 hours of class a WEEK, plus 3 hours a week of one on one therapy.
I learned ALOT about why I've done everything I have. I learned that addiction is a disease. I will ALWAYS have it. I've learned that no matter what it is, I will over use it. (I'm a garbage pail addict,if it's mind altering I will abuse it) I've worked through guilt, I've worked through suicidal thinking, major depression and anxiety. I learned that I have FOUR major core beliefs: nothing is ever good enough, no one will ever love me, I can't be myself, look OK even if you're not OK. I have learned that I was taught to lie as a child and that's why it's so easy to do it as an adult, and that I'm a great manipulator. I have learned that I care way TOO much what others think of me. That's including my FAMILY.
I have body dismorphia, I have a huge fear of being over weight, and at this point in my life I don't know if I have gastric bypass complications or if I've developed an eating disorder because if I'm fat I won't be loved. I've been in two relationships/marriages where I was abused in some way but always worked, always cleaned, always looked perfect to everyone because also I'm super fearful of being alone, which is why I have probably never lived on my own or by myself. I'm codependent on my family and those around me.
I also don't know how to accept being successful in my job, personal life, etc because I don't deserve that so self sabatoge is a constant battle within myself. Things are going good? Let's see how fast I can mess it up! I am by no means BLAMING anyone but MYSELF for my choices.
Learning all of these things have taught me how to use moral recognition, play situations forward, condition my self that if I'm happy it's ok, even if someone around me doesn't like that I'm blunt and don't sugar coat shit because life isn't a fairy tale, or if after working two fifty hour weeks, paying my rent, paying my bills, putting X amount in savings, and getting a tattoo is NO ONES buisness. I have so MANY who cares if I get another one?!?!
It's therapy for me and it's been almost 5 years since my last one. None of them are distasteful, there art, they are beautiful they make ME HAPPY, doing what I want makes me HAPPY! And I DO NOT care anymore what anyone thinks of me, if I continue that, go ahead and plan my FUNERAL.
Also my sober living is amazing but it's far from a sorority house. I have a CURFEW, I go to a twelve step meeting EVERY day.i have an amazing sponsor!!!! I have a chore that I do every day. I'm not allowed overnights. And I LOVE everyone of the the girls in the house, they get it, I always have someone to talk to. But it is stressful at times, 16 women coming home at the same time is loud, that time of the month, the ones who come into the house but go BACK OUT is a common reality check.
I've learned through rehab and sober living effective communication, expressing MY feelings, setting BOUNDARIES, being ok alone, knowing my worth, constructive criticism, standing up for myself!!!!!
And please if anyone has an ISSUE with me come to ME, I'm an adult, you're entitled to your feelings too, but don't bother anyone in my family about anything that has to with ME. I sincerely apologise to everyone in my life for everything. But I'm getting better I'm moving forward if I dwell in guilt I will die.
I choose to make the next RIGHT choice daily sometimes sixty seconds at a time.
Thank you to all of the ladies and men in the sober houses who have impacted me with their recovery and wisdom for not judging, for being voices of reason, for pointing out my bullshit. Thank you to all my friends and family who love me still who believe in me and given me chances over and over. I love all of you!
This is not a pity party. I'm not looking for attention, nor support from those who have distanced themselves from me.
I'm happy right now. I have great days and I have bad days. I still struggle with alot but I'm working on it. Progress not perfection. And thanks for loving me until I've learned to love myself. But I do and I'm kind of amazing.
I learned ALOT about why I've done everything I have. I learned that addiction is a disease. I will ALWAYS have it. I've learned that no matter what it is, I will over use it. (I'm a garbage pail addict,if it's mind altering I will abuse it) I've worked through guilt, I've worked through suicidal thinking, major depression and anxiety. I learned that I have FOUR major core beliefs: nothing is ever good enough, no one will ever love me, I can't be myself, look OK even if you're not OK. I have learned that I was taught to lie as a child and that's why it's so easy to do it as an adult, and that I'm a great manipulator. I have learned that I care way TOO much what others think of me. That's including my FAMILY.
I have body dismorphia, I have a huge fear of being over weight, and at this point in my life I don't know if I have gastric bypass complications or if I've developed an eating disorder because if I'm fat I won't be loved. I've been in two relationships/marriages where I was abused in some way but always worked, always cleaned, always looked perfect to everyone because also I'm super fearful of being alone, which is why I have probably never lived on my own or by myself. I'm codependent on my family and those around me.
I also don't know how to accept being successful in my job, personal life, etc because I don't deserve that so self sabatoge is a constant battle within myself. Things are going good? Let's see how fast I can mess it up! I am by no means BLAMING anyone but MYSELF for my choices.
Learning all of these things have taught me how to use moral recognition, play situations forward, condition my self that if I'm happy it's ok, even if someone around me doesn't like that I'm blunt and don't sugar coat shit because life isn't a fairy tale, or if after working two fifty hour weeks, paying my rent, paying my bills, putting X amount in savings, and getting a tattoo is NO ONES buisness. I have so MANY who cares if I get another one?!?!
It's therapy for me and it's been almost 5 years since my last one. None of them are distasteful, there art, they are beautiful they make ME HAPPY, doing what I want makes me HAPPY! And I DO NOT care anymore what anyone thinks of me, if I continue that, go ahead and plan my FUNERAL.
Also my sober living is amazing but it's far from a sorority house. I have a CURFEW, I go to a twelve step meeting EVERY day.i have an amazing sponsor!!!! I have a chore that I do every day. I'm not allowed overnights. And I LOVE everyone of the the girls in the house, they get it, I always have someone to talk to. But it is stressful at times, 16 women coming home at the same time is loud, that time of the month, the ones who come into the house but go BACK OUT is a common reality check.
I've learned through rehab and sober living effective communication, expressing MY feelings, setting BOUNDARIES, being ok alone, knowing my worth, constructive criticism, standing up for myself!!!!!
And please if anyone has an ISSUE with me come to ME, I'm an adult, you're entitled to your feelings too, but don't bother anyone in my family about anything that has to with ME. I sincerely apologise to everyone in my life for everything. But I'm getting better I'm moving forward if I dwell in guilt I will die.
I choose to make the next RIGHT choice daily sometimes sixty seconds at a time.
Thank you to all of the ladies and men in the sober houses who have impacted me with their recovery and wisdom for not judging, for being voices of reason, for pointing out my bullshit. Thank you to all my friends and family who love me still who believe in me and given me chances over and over. I love all of you!
This is not a pity party. I'm not looking for attention, nor support from those who have distanced themselves from me.
I'm happy right now. I have great days and I have bad days. I still struggle with alot but I'm working on it. Progress not perfection. And thanks for loving me until I've learned to love myself. But I do and I'm kind of amazing.
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